I was watching your brothers play wrestling with your Daddy on the trampoline today, all smiling and laughing, full of love and joy.

Then suddenly it hit me how grateful to the two of you I am that I can cherish these moments and recognise how precious and fleeting these insignificant but special times are.

Without the heartache of losing you my sweet girls, I don’t know that I would have taken the time to enjoy these delicious moments.  You see with great loss comes the ability to see how valuable and irreplaceable these memories are.

I don’t know if I would have been the ‘take time to smell the roses’ type of mother that I am.  That I wouldn’t have taken for granted all these precious times and been unaware of how fleeting they are and quickly they disappear.

My gorgeous angels I have you both to thank for the gift of enjoying even the smallest, tiniest of moments with your brothers.

I will be forever grateful for this gift.

Till we are together again babies…  Mummy xo

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Paige and Amy you would have started Prep at your big brothers school this week. I went up to visit friends who’s daughter started in prep this week and I couldn’t help but wonder what that day might have been like if you’d both been here.

Would our house have been hectic with two little girls going to school for the first time and their big brother returning to start year 2??

Would your little brother have been so very lonely being the only one left at home?

Would either of you have cried? Wanted Mummy to stay?

Would you have needed special name tags because no one could tell you apart?

My sweet sweet girls, if only… It special times like this that I reflect on what we are all missing out on. So many families live with these reflections and emotions it just doesn’t seem right. Especially when people that do have their children don’t look after them.

There is a little girl who recieved her angel wings this week when her dad who was very sick dropped her off a bridge.

If you see this dear little girl please take her hand and show her the ropes up there in heaven. I know that she is at peace now and in the happiest place in the world, but she might be a little nervous so take care of her…

Hugs babies, Mummy loves and misses you xoxo

Actually it was even a Monday like today.  I held both in my arms for the first and last time.  I felt your hearts beating and watched your chests rise and fall until they became still.  I counted all of your fingers and toes and studied every part of your beautiful bodies…

I can’t believe my arms have not held you both for five years.

I don’t feel either of you around me like I’ve read others say they do.  I don’t know why I don’t, shouldn’t I feel something.  

A psychic kind of person once told me this was because you would both be coming back to me in the forms of other children??  I don’t know if this it true, but I hope it is…

What do you both look like now?  Are you pretty little dark haired girls, your brothers are dark so I’m assuming you both would be too…

At around 2pm this afternoon I was trying to remember what exactly I was doing at that time 5 years ago.  I can’t remember.  You were born at 6 and 6.03pm on that Monday evening and we found out at around 9am that same morning that things weren’t looking good.  I can’t remember what we did for that whole day.   Its like that day is missing.  That must have been one of the longest days of our lives and I can’t recall how we passed the time.  I do remember we settled on names and prayed and hoped for a miracle, but really for 9 hours of that day things seemed to have been on hold.

I pray my sweet angels, that you know that we love you.  I hope you can feel the love and longing I have for you both.  Can you hear my thoughts when I see other 5 year old girls playing with your brother and wish that he had his own two sisters to play with?

I love you both as much today as I did 5 years ago, maybe more.  When I hold your little brother in my arms, I try to imagine sometimes that it is one of you and that for that moment in time all of this was a bad dream.

Sleep tight my precious girls, Mummy loves you very much xo

A friend just sent my a lovely sweet message after reading our girls website.  There was nothing too deep or anything in it, but for some reason its just hit a spot in me tonight and now I’m a blubbering mess.

I think it was just seeing their name??  As the time goes by sometimes it almost seems like I dreamed them and maybe they never were here??  Then seeing someone write their names and refer to them just hit my heart for a six. 

I hate that this pain never goes away, yet I’m afraid that one day it might.

I hate that we lost our babies, but I thank the lord that they existed at all…

I hate that my son says he’d like a sister, when he already has two, he just can’t see them, play with them or hug them.

Right now I have that terrible ache that goes right up your throat and feels like it might choke me.  Its so weird how out of know where these feelings can come to the surface when you least expect them…

Come to me in my dreams tonight my sweet girls, let me hold you in my arms again xo

I am so very happy for my cyber friend S who has finally got a great positive pg result…  I am hugely happy for you and your DH, you so deserve this, and I can’t wait to follow your pg every step of the way (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

On easter Sunday 6 years ago, I was laying in hospital totally oblivous to the days events.  I have no memories of giving birth, I have no  memories of the day after around 11.30am, ironic that I called this blog ‘memories last forever’.  They only last forever if you have them in the first place.  ME was delivered by emergency c section at 12.12pm and because I had a general anesthetic I was totally dopped up on pethidene.

The boys are in bed and I’ve just been asking DH about that day.  I still ask him questions sometimes though not often anymore. 

I’m so thankful and greatful that ME is here with us, things truly were only seconds from being a very different outcome.  I still struggle with the traumatic events of ME’s birth, but not like I did in the first year.  Some people think you should just get over it, he’s here and he did survive.

If only it were that easy…  That day was a major life changing event for DH and I, but not in the same way that we expected on the day our first born arrived into the world.

I shudder when I see stories of children who weren’t so fortunate, either not surviving or being left with serious disabilities.  We had our 6 year check with the pediatrician this week and he still is amazed at ME’s outcome and tells me its the equivilant of winning lottery..   I agree whole heartedly… 

I’ve been trying to catch up on you all, so so happy for B who is pg, I’m praying for you everynight.

I am in semi contact with my half brother, been very interesting and weird *blinks/rolls eyes* 🙂

Nothing much else to report.  My friend L is still struggling with being an alcoholic, well I guess she always will…

I might be going back to work in July, am currently in negotiations with my work now *boo hoo*

Check out this site, its really cool.  I’ve actually been doing it for my friends lately, copying, pasting and editing it then printing it out on nice paper and giving it to them on their birthdays…

 My littlest man turned one last week, I’ll pop a pic in ‘my boys’ section…

 Hugs to all

Well its too long a story to go into right now or in one update, but I have some siblings floating around this country or for that matter maybe around the world that I don’t know…

 My father to be matter of fact, could ‘keep it in his pants’.  He died when I was 7, I don’t really remember him therefore don’t really have any attachement to him.

 As far as I’m aware he was married long before meeting my mother and had a daughter I’ll call Do.  They divorced and he met my mother.  They were together for some time, like 12 years off and on.  My mum doesn’t talk about it much but I saw pictures of him with my mum at her 21st, and he died when my mum was 33 so that how I work that out.

I’ve been told by others that my mother fell pg unexpectedly and he offered to marry her.  Being the stubborn, cut off your nose to spite your face kind of person she still is she refused.  Admirably if not stupidly she didn’t want people to think she had gotten pg on purpose…  ???

 Then as you do, he supposedly got the shites with that and found comfort in the arms of another woman.  When my mother still refused to marry him he said he’d marry the other woman, which it seems he did…

 I discovered by chance some years ago that he had 4 or 5 children with this other woman, but still continued to see my mother.  I don’t judge my mother at all for her choices, I think that she was brave to go it alone in the early 70’s when single mothers were probably expected to give there children up for adoption, which apparently my grandmother had wanted.

Anyway I’ve always toyed with the idea of trying to find some of these siblings.  I was mucking around with facebook last night when I thought I search my fathers very unusual surname (lucky for me).  I found someone who it 3 years younger than I am and sent him a message asking if he was related to ——  ‘gave him my fathers details’.

He has responded this morning with YES, he is my father!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Holy heck!!!!!!!!!!!!!  In this day of technology is it truly that easy to locate someone?

I’ve sent some more information to see what he has to say.  I’m not rushing into anything, he could be an axe murderer for all I know.  But I’m definately interested to learn more so will keep you posted…

Another couple who we are friends with having been having trouble in their marriage for some months.  My DH is quite close with the other DH.  The other DH will call him S, and my DH as they work together and have only spoken a little about what is going on.  Niether of us has spoken to the DW who I will call D.  From what S has said though we were getting the impression that he was trying to fix things, but D was making it difficult.  We have been feeling really sorry for S.

Tonight my DH and S had to go out for dinner with a customer.  Around 1/2 hour after my DH left D phoned me to ask if my DH had gone out to dinner??  I said yes and she started to cry.

She asked if I knew that they had split and I said kind of.  I asked her if she was ok and she started to cry again.

Well didn’t she drop a bomb on me!!  S had been having an affair for more than 2 years!!  With a woman that he has working for them and he has also cheated on his mistress.

D is devestated to say the least.  She told me so many things that I am more than a bit disgusted in S and his treatment of her.  My dilema now though is that she doesn’t want me to tell my DH!!

She’s worried about it getting back to S that she phoned me.  But I have found out a lot tonight about S and I think my DH has a right to know.  There are possibly  many business implications with some of what she has told me and I feel my DH needs to know some things.

My other concern is, I think my DH is going to be shattered.  My DH is a very straight forward, typical aussie guy who thinks most men are geniune and trustworthy.  He will be floored when I tell him whats been going on right under his nose.  He’ll be horrified to know that S is involved with this person and actually wants to leave his family for her.  He may also be worried about the business and if any thing funny is going on there.

Problem is my DH cannot let S know that he knows.  Oh this is so messy.  My head is doing flip flops and I have no idea how I can break this to my DH.  I think I might wait at least till the weekend so that he has time to digest everything and think is all out before he has to go to work.

Boy I sure don’t know how I’m going to get any sleep tonight with all this crazyness going on in my head.

Things have continued to go from bad to worse for L.  Most afternoons are now spent passed out or very close to that state.  I usually put her to bed, take the children and phone her husband to let him know whats going on.

One day last week I was so angry I forced her to show me her hiding spots and I threw out every drop of alcohol I found.  I asked her if there was any more and she swore on my life there wasn’t.  BUT, not 10 minutes later I found 6 small bottle of champagne in her car.

I was so angry with her.  I tossed them onto her lap and said so what am I going to die now that you’ve sworn on my life and lied??

She just smiled as me and said I was a ‘tenacious bugger’, like it was just a game !!

I came home and phoned the rehab place that she is waiting to enter (when they have a spare bed) just to empty my head a bit.  The lady I spoke to was lovely and helped me get a few things sorted in my mind.

 Well I don’t know if it helped things a long at all, but the centre called L on Monday and admitted her on Tuesday. 

She is now 3 days into detox and then will move into a rehab program.  I am so hoping this works and she can then work with her family on rebuilding their shattered life.

I must say I’m not confident this will work the first time around, apparently the stats are 50/50 for success the first go.  Personally in my non professional opinion this attempt with not be successful, but believe me I’d be more than happy to be proved wrong 🙂